we have now lived in this apartment of ours for 3 months.
i’m having trouble letting that sink in. after more than two and a half years without a home, realising that we are now tenants is proven to be quite difficult. i’m having constant impulses to move on, like it’s a habit i need to break.
looking out at the space around me, i need to remind myself that these furniture are mine, my name is on the contract, on the door, on the buzzer downstairs. we have a mailbox. no more c/o.
the next time we will move, we will have to get help from a moving company. a truckload of stuff that is ours. three months ago, it was a taxiload. this gives me both joy and anxiety at once.
i often feel like i’m not your typical minimalist. most people i know that are drawn to this lifestyle come at it from a maximalist’s perspective – they have tried the materialistic, collector type of life and it didn’t make them happy. they want to get rid of a bad shopping behaviour, clean up a messy and over-filled home, get over the notion that money buys happiness. and i applaud them, send them my well-wishes and thank them for the inspiration. but that’s not me.
i’ve never had a shopping problem. i’ve never wanted to own a mansion, three cars, and a trillion euros. owning and collecting has made me uncomfortable for as long as i can remember. i think this is why i was able to live more or less on the road these last years – it suited my travel-lightly personality.
the minimalists i talk to challenge themselves to declutter and organise their space even more. to go through their belongings once again. to have another shopping-free month. these things are not challenges for me.
a challenge for me is to sign a contract. any kind of contract. to go shopping. to spend money on things or experiences i don’t need. it freaks me out a little.
it’s a challenge to own furniture. to admit that i’m now stationary instead of mobile. to grow roots, to get attached. to realise that the just-jump-into-a-taxi days are over. to keep filling this home with things that a normally functioning home needs. i feel overwhelmed.
yet, overwhelmed and freaked out as i might get, the wish to have a home is stronger. i know that i want to settle down. a life on the road is both heavenly and impossibly stressful. i’ve done it, i’m happy i did, let’s stop doing it now.
so my challenge is to be ok with owning things that make me heavy. to get attached to people and sign contracts that will give me responsibilities. no more living on the fringes of society.
this is what i want, so this is what i need to challenge myself to be able to do. without freaking out every five minutes. luckily, i believe in the force of habit. give me a few months !
so when you see this apartment slowly filling up on beautiful things, be happy for me. i’m actually making progress.
love // jenny
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